April 1st and a fecking crazy meeting with VOX . Through the Looking Glass had nothing on these guys. Everything was back-to-front, upside down and not as it should be. So much so, in fact, that this is a blog about a meeting that has yet to take place.*
Toastmaster Fiona O’Meara was her usual overbearing, domineering self. She introduced President Merrilyn Campbell who closed the meeting and set off for home on her bicycle. Next was Mark O’Dwyer as General Evaluator, commenting on a meeting that never happened, and as usual, making it up as he went along.
Third, came grammarian Jacinta Curley, who was dressed up as a clown “for the night that’s in it”. In a voice as soft as Galway weather, she tore into two townies for mispronouncing “vehicle.” Lots of applause.
Timer Tommy told us he was “sick of ringing that bell” and wished to Jaysus that everyone would stay within time. Tetchy Toastmaster hit three of the gabbers with her gavel. No-body objected.
Fiona Dermody, as evaluator, give quite an incisive critique of a speech that Bea Metzler had not yet given, proving, yet again, that listening is for losers. In the speech that followed, Bea demonstrated an outstanding mastery of Japanese and origami.
Fergal Rice as evaluator for Merrilyn Campbell, remarked on her “rare and natural talent” for belly-dancing which she performed with “zest, fire and enthusiasm.” Ever the stickler, however, he reprimanded her tardiness. Ms Campbell came rushing in at 7.45, having been half-way home when she had to turn around and come back. “I don’t know whether I’m coming or going tonight, ” she panted, and kept on her helmet as well as the hula-skirt.
Another evaluation and speech from Fiona Fahey and Ciara O’Hare respectively, followed by break and then topics. All speakers gave thoughtful replies to questions that were not given, which is what happens every week.
A faint unease was starting to ripple through the crowd. Why had Frank Sherwin a Black and Decker? What was that whole thing with the pom-poms? And shouldn’t the Topicsmaster be wearing clothes?
The climax came when a man in a hoodie ran up the stairs, waving a gun, shouting “Prepare for a roasting, Toasties!” Only Dan O’Neill. Phew! More drinks all round.
“It’s been hairy here before but this takes the biscuit,” one member was overheard. Eventually the guards were called, but found themselves distracted by flirtatious advances from the Toastmaster. She was last seen being led away in cuffs, delighted with herself.
No-one stayed on, one member capturing the general mood: “I just need to go home to bed”.
* This is a fictitious account. The above events may or may not happen on the night.
VOX Back-to-Front Madness next Wednesday, April 1st in Oil Can Harry’s. You’d be a fool to miss it.
Author: Fiona O’Meara